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  • Writer's pictureTee

Boundaries & trauma, what a pair

A person you barely know grabs and hugs you tightly then kisses your face. You are mortified, maybe even triggered, and you freeze. Unable to move or speak, you simply stand there feeling trapped and uncomfortable; but, what can you do? You don't want to be rude or hurt their feelings and make them uncomfortable. You were taught to be polite and inadvertently, to let people do to/with you what they please, no matter the cost to you.

You don't want to seem like a b*tch, right? Right. That's what you've been taught to think of yourself if you don't allow people to do what feels good and right for them when they want. Interesting, isn't it?

Fortunately, I am here now. I witnessed this interaction and can see that you are frozen (a trauma response) so I politely step up and assert that I'd like to speak with you about something & we must go.

So we walk away & I can feel the life rushing back into your body and notice you're breathing pretty normally again (you were holding your breath, it seems).

When at a safe distance from others, I ask you, "are you okay?" That looked challenging." You reply, "no." I am thankful for your honesty because you clearly were not okay, but if you weren't ready to share/discuss, I would honor that. This response let's me know you are.

You say you've had someone hold you and force you to receive their affection and more when you didn't want to & didn't know how to stop them, so whenever people just hug you without asking, it reminds you of that and it feels like you lose control of your body, no matter who it is or their intention. "That's strange, right?" You say to me. "Actually, no it's not," I say.

I am a trauma informed healer, to me this is "normal" behavior...for people with symptoms of PTSD. I ask if you've gotten any help or support for that experience and you laugh. I ask why you're laughing. You say, "because I don't need help! It was one time a long time ago and I'm okay. It's just that one little thing, it's not really a big deal."

I said, "it doesn't have to be more than once, a long stretch of time, physically violent or anything more than it is for you to benefit from and deserve support to help you feel safe in your body at all times. It is a very big deal. Your peace in your body in this one life, is a huge deal and you are worthy of accessing and maintaining it with effortless ease."

You see, we are conditioned to think we are doing too much, faking, exaggerating etc., when we acknowledge our pain and suffering and seek support to help us out of it. We are not. We have experienced trauma that impacts how we literally move (or freeze) in the world.

I am a survivor of sexual assault and abuse, and I know this first hand so I would love to support you in finding what works for you so you can respond the way you want in moments like this and others. Would you be open to that?

Identifying, asserting, maintaining and evolving your boundaries as you evolve is what I do. An expert in social boundaries and how they impact all areas of our life-especially our personal boundaries-is what I am and as your coach and guide, I will make sure you are able to see with clarity, speak truthfully and assertively and love fully and freely with self-loving discernment.

If you are ready to work to break the conditioning that keeps you silent when you want to speak, stuck when you want to move and/or closed off to what is for you because life has lifed you into full protection mode, I invite you to schedule a consultation and first appointment-be it coaching, yoga or professional consultation (this is a separate service and is not complimentary) at

Remember (or know for the first time) no one, regardless of their past, should have to carry the burden of others' abuses, brokenness or lack of human empathy. No one should be ashamed or feel guilty of what happened to them or as a result of that pain (but we must all atone in a healthy way for any pain we know we have caused). It happened in the past and I will guide you to not bury it there, but bring your whole self into the present, fully acknowledging but not being controlled by the experiences.

Ultimately, I will be your guiding light on your healing journey and I am super excited to support you! In the words of 80s super-group Nu Shooz, I can't wait!

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